What Teen Pregnancy Taught Me About Life

When I found out I was pregnant at sixteen I was in a hospital and had just woken up from a train accident I had two days before. I could not believe that I was pregnant; I was in total shock.

Looking back now I did not spend even an ounce of energy thinking about how bad my situation was and how hard life was about to become for me; I thought about how I could make this work.

Having grown up in abject poverty and apartheid era violence, surviving was ingrained in me and the total sum of my experiences had prepared me for the moment. I knew that I had to dig deep in me to find the strength to realize my goals.

At sixteen, I was not ready to be a mother and finding out I was pregnant could have derailed my life. Instead of letting the situation take me off my path, I did what I've always done with any situation: I took the lessons I could use and moved forward.

Before I found out I was pregnant I was a member of the Student Representative Council in our school, a member of Anti-AIDS club and a member of the Congress of South African Students. All these activities demanded that I was away most of my afternoons and that I would get home late attending meetings, presentations or workshops. As much as these activities meant a lot to me they were also a chance for me to hangout with my friends who were also part of the activities. When I found out I was pregnant, I continued with these activities until I was close to giving birth because no one knew I was pregnant except for my closest friends and my family and my stomach was not big.

But, it was clear that I needed to make changes with a baby coming, that I needed to grow up really fast and not only care about what I wanted to do but focus on what I needed to do. My baby and my school became my biggest priorities. I had to adjust to my new reality or I was going to be swallowed whole by the negative statistics that go with being a teenage mother. I was not aware of those statistics thankfully, giving a new meaning to the saying: ignorance is bliss.

At the time it never crossed my mind that I could not graduate from high school. I was so focused on doing well that I never even gave it a thought. I just wanted to go to school and take care of my baby. I was fortunate in a sense because I dearly loved school. School was my escape and it meant everything to me. I got my highs in life when I was in school. In fact, my Grandma once punished me for going to school when it rained and the river was full. I actually washed in a pot because she hid bath tubs so I could not wash; I was in first grade then. She corporeally punished me for not listening to her. But nothing could stop me from going to school.

Had I not adjusted to my new reality I would not be sitting here writing this blog. I would, most likely, have added to the negative statistics that plague teen mothers.

 Being pregnant in Africa, poor and being in an accident taught me a lot of lessons. As bad as poverty is, it prepares one for success in life. You are at the rock bottom and your only option is to go up. What is important in life is to learn the lessons life throws at you! For me, these were the lessons.

Be Responsible

If you want to be successful in anything you do you have to be responsible. Being responsible in my case meant that I needed to understand that I had new challenges that I needed to respond to if I was ever going to reach my goals. That I needed to adjust my priorities to fit my overall goals in life. That it was my responsibility to make things "right" with me, my future, my child and my family. That more than before I needed to succeed to prove to myself that I was a responsible person and be in a position to take care of myself and my child.

Excuses Are The Reason We Fail

I had a million reasons not to succeed. But none of those reasons mattered at the time. The only thing that I thought about was what I wanted to achieve not what would prevent me from succeeding; I was like a demon in my focus. I could have come up with every excuse possible but every excuse paled in comparison to what I wanted to achieve; my goals were the only thing in my mind. I believe this is the most important thing that carried me forward, apart from the support I received from my family and my partner. I wanted to succeed so bad that I had no time to think about what excuses I could make. When I look at the statistics for teen moms, I feel fortunate to have been able to finish high school and go on to university and graduate in three years. 

Goals Are Necessary For Success (A No Brainer)

One of the things that I always tell my kids is this: Let your goals be the guide of what you want to achieve in life. Let your goals pull you forward when you feel like you cannot go on. Let your long-term goals guide every short term decision you make. Keep your eye on your goals so that the stumbling blocks on your path do not take you off your path. It was my goals that gave me the energy and kept me waking up and doing what I needed to do to move forward.

Most of us have a lot distractions and detractors that are always pulling us away from what we want to achieve and the only way to stay on path is to live in the bubble of your goals and dreams.

That People Are Always Going To Judge You, So Always Be Yourself

This is a reality for all of us. People judge, people project and people will always attempt to make you feel like you are not good enough or you are too much or you are a know-it-all, or you are too full of yourself or anything they can project on you. Always feel empathetic to those people because they have their own struggles. Sometimes it is not you, it is them projecting whatever they  are feeling on you. Even when you feel alienated, your job is to move forward confidently because none of us are perfect and no one has a right to judge you, not without your permission at least. So, live your true life. 

This does not mean you should harm yourself or let your ego be in control. I used to say growing up, you can make or break yourself based  on what you believe about yourself. Be careful but don't be afraid to live your life; they are living their lives and your job is to live yours!

Neighbors and gossipers did talk about me but they never bothered me because they did not exist in my world. They did not matter to me, what mattered was what I wanted to achieve in life. 

Doubters Are A Necessary Evil

My biggest weakness in life is, I talk too much!. I'm frank but I'm always respectful and I'm very opinionated thus I gain a lot of frenemies (it is a strength to know your weaknesses). One of my teachers could not stand me for the reasons I just mentioned. Looking back now I don't mind that he did not like me because he was found to be a pedophile and sexual abuser. 

Whenever I did not do well and some of my classmates bested me he would be very happy. This propelled me even more. I love proving people wrong not in an negative manner but in a way that says you don't control my destiny, it is up to me to make it happen. So, when people doubt you, your job is not to fold like a cheap chair, your job is to bounce like a tennis ball and go beyond your wildest dreams.

Everywhere I go I always have doubters. I've turned this to my strength. It takes off a lot of pressure from me and allows me to be myself. Today, when I'm underestimated, I remember that sixteen year old mother who finished at the top of her class and went on to university and graduated in three years. That mother who came to America at the age pf twenty three and went back to school and studied computer science, something that was a total departure from anything she ever wanted to be in life, but succeeded nonetheless.

Appreciate The Support You Get

This does not mean that everyone will NOT support you, some of your friends, strangers and family will support you and you should always be appreciative of that support. These are the people you should focus on and always remember to thank. It is easy in life to focus on those who don't support you when they should not matter in your goals. Many will pretend they support you but you know who truly supports you and just continue to focus on those who are truly behind you.

There are many ways people can support you, mind you! Just because someone is not supporting you the way you want to be supported does not mean they aren't supporting you; keep that in mind.

I always laugh at how much people try to prove you aren't good enough by bringing up someone else's success, not theirs but someone else's! You know the friends who are always giving kudos to strangers just to show you that you aren't as good as you think. Don't mind them, just focus on your business!

When I was a teenage mom, I accepted help from anyone who was willing to help me. And I showed my appreciation by not wasting the opportunities they afforded me. To this day, that is how I live my life. I thank those who are willing to avail themselves and I hope that I reciprocate when they need help or I help someone else where I can.

Be Positive

There is a saying that you can't achieve anything positive with a negative mind; this is true! I believe in the power of positive thinking. When I was young, there was nothing you could do or say to put me down and I was able to achieve most of what I wanted to achieve because my mind only saw what was positive.

Most people think that being positive is the same as being fake or delusional. Fake people pretend to be positive but their results show that they are just pretentious! Being negative drains your energy and prevents you from achieving what you need to achieve. There is no value in being negative whatsoever! Being critical is not the same as being negative. Sometimes it is self-criticism that can improve your situation or come up with a new or a better product.  There is a fine line between being critical and negative, a negative mind sees negativity even in situations where negativity will add no value.

Being positive means looking at the possibilities even when odds are stacked against you. If you are a positive person, even a slim chance is an opportunity for you to work harder to achieve your goal. The odds were against me and many of my peers growing up in South Africa but a lot of us were hopeful and focused and only thought of the possibilities of what our lives would be if we went to college, how our lives would change for the better. It was this hopeful spirit and positive thinking that kept us going.

Seek You Will Find!

The worst thing in life we can be is to be closed minded. I value education with everything I am. My family knows that education means everything to me. I don't just mean degrees which are nice to have, I mean knowledge whether found at school or in life. So, that I became pregnant while in school, was, in a way, a fortunate situation. Rather than pulling back I studied even harder to prepare for university.

 I remember one of the things I did was research what I wanted to be when I grow up. In our schools we did not have libraries or even a career centers. Our teachers were not a big help either because many of them became teachers out of necessity and many were first generation university graduates. Our parents could not be of help either because many had grade school education and were working as domestic workers. They sent us to school and hoped that our teachers would guide us. 

To find information on careers, I had to visit downtown Cape Town library or Career Center in Colored neighborhoods. In order to get there, my friends and I would take the train. We did not have any money for tickets so we had to learn when the guards were at the station and which stations to avoid so we can ride trains for free. Sometimes we would get off in stations before our destination and walk to wherever we were going to find information. That is why I lose it when kids today ask me anything with google in their finger tips (side note).

I went to these centers, trying to read up on careers (really types of lawyers because at the time I had already decided that I would be a lawyer). The biggest barrier I had was the English language. Everything was in English; I went to an all black school and we spoke in my home language, Xhosa. I had to borrow a dictionary to look up words so I could understand what I was reading. I carried that practice throughout university. But I was able to glean the information I needed to make my decisions. 

Even though I ended up not going to law school, without those experiences that were rooted in wanting to do well for myself and for my child, I would not be who I am today. You are a total sum of your experiences, embrace everyone of them. Allow your experiences to be lessons that help you move forward rather than burdens that crush your ambitions.